
Sometimes, quite often late into the night
I come to find myself deep into the unknown on some kind of expedition
Carefully charting a detailed map of a landscape that does not exist
Following the amalgamation from figments of imagination that I half assist
Building mansions of metaphorical thought that I manifest and express onto this paper
Why? Cause their creations bring me a smile.
What’s the difference between these mansions
And the house of cards our western minds are built on?
They’re both built over a fault line, trying to form some kind of peace and unity over a infinitely deep chaos filled canyon
that seems to underlie everything in this world, those who dig deep into this mystery all find the same thing
Chaos. Opposites, this schism, this uncertainty and obscurity that has swept so many of us out to sea
All rivers lead to the ocean, all paths lead to rome, and what the fuck does Rome have to do with anything? I don’t know
But for the sake of what I’m saying, Rome’s through the bottom of the sea
Atlantis it may as well be, the city in midst of chaos, the secret order
In the labyrinths of potential paths to get to the ultimate meaning
So many of my fellow philosophers have lost their heads
And now me…
This subjectivity sometimes makes it so hard to breath. Who the fuck is me?
Human number 5 trillion 1 hundred and fifty three? I don’t know shit about anthropology
But I know there’s a longer tail than that attached onto the evolutionary human centipede
Shoot, the term ‘human centipede’ has a bad rep these days, whatever let’s just say ‘life tree’
That we keep branching off, into more and more complexities
Further and further from the straight line trunk
Farther and farther from the energy stored in the roots
It seems the more I add onto this fantasy, the more waves come to flood my island of subjectivity
When the storms come, and the ‘I’ disappears, and I slip away into separation and fear
There goes my foundation again, everything I thought I was, thought I knew, thought I’d accomplished
It all amounts to nothing as I’m left again as nothing in the middle of nowhere holding onto this point of awareness, alone
Is this objectivity? Can it ever be just me with this tail, or always we? Or due to my point in space, here we are again with the law of general relativity..
God dammit, alone again, as it all caves in on me
Well, like I’ve said many times before when I’ve fallen through the bottom floor:
Staring into the night sky
I am here and I am alone
But here alone with everything.
But here again I stand, and am still standing, and when I re unite with my will
I will go on building, these mansions of thought that infiltrate space
And make the most of this darkness and my time lost in this unknown place
And try to form a more solid base that will hopefully last longer than the one in the past
Cause I’m back here again, alone and shaking, wishing to some god I had a friend
No one wants to be here, not even me, I wish I could find some other mystery
The potential of being down here on the pendulum is what drives seemingly everything we do
Besides of course satisfying our need for food
But mentally, uncertainty is the devil man, it’ll sweep you in, so we build build build to stay above obscurity my friend
we need to be sure of things, put things in pigeon holes and label em up so we get that feeling of security when we ‘know’
Otherwise, like me, you’ll be swept in by the undertow
And being shipwrecked takes you to a place you don’t want to be
Trust me my brothers and sisters, hold on strong to what you believe
It doesn’t matter if it’s Science, Islam or Christianity
As long as you’re not pushing it on anybody
Whatever it is is fine with me, whatever helps you from drowning in this sea
I don’t care anymore whether people’s bases are ‘wrong’ or ‘untrue’
If it helps you function and be a better you, than that’s it’s the best thing you can do
Not many are cut out to travel down the inward path
And to the courageous few that do and make it back with their ship intact,
We owe them so much for sacrificing their well being
For the expansion of consciousness and human understanding
These philosophers, far and few between, I urge you to listen to their travels
And add onto your mansion of knowing with the puzzles they’ve picked from the sea
Because it’s not a safe place for you or me
But I have no choice to follow this path of mystery
Even though I know one day it will ruin me
It seems this is what I was supposed to be
A shaman, a medicine man, to understand and build the evolutionary human being
In its expansion and adaption to chaotic sea that underlies all we are and see
But now, I have gone too far
Underestimated the waves on that last expedition
Is that what happened you overconfident ‘intrepid’ metaphysician
Almost got lost for good searching for that secret meaning this time huh?
Again
You must endure
For the last two years, lost at deep at sea, riding through the storms
Yet holding my serenity, through drastic ups and downs and intervals of lost identity
But this last storm, it took it all away, left me hopeless, wrecked, and debilitated
And somehow, Soooomehow, made it back to I, and climbed back to the bridge connecting both sides
Staring down into the bottomless abyss, hoping never to get swept back into it
The last time. I’ll still get my water from the ocean, still swim in it from time to time, still ride the waves close to shore
But now that I have pulled myself remotely out of colossal times and sank my feet into the sand back on shore
I’ve found that my well being and sanity is much-a-lot-more worth fighting for
Life’s short, yes, but chaos makes it unbearably long
I’ve found smooth waters and anchored my ship just offshore, I’ve built the strongest dams
I’ve got a watch tower to look out for any tsunamis on the horizon
I’ve got my mansion built just up the hill, with my scripture on the table, an arms reach from my bed
I’ve got all that I’ve learned, all my quotes, all my poems, all my favorite songs
I’ve got my friends, my pack of cigarettes for those nights with my ‘exploding head syndrome’
which as it is so appropriately named, has made a fear of the dark imbedded in my memories since I was a kid
And at the slightest trembling or perceived threat, the alarm gets sounded in the tower
And just before I get surrounded by the places I’ve been running from my whole life,
I’ve got my scientific web pages saved with facts facts facts, that reassure me that it’s just this and that
They tell me all there is to know about the structure of the cup that holds the flow
And soon my head will be filled with so many facts that I’ll forget all about the water
That awaits just inside of every representation
BUT THEY’RE FACTS! THEY’RE TRUE. THEY’RE FUCKING FACTS MAN
They’ll prove it to you
Thank god for some reassurance
Thank god for some facts that teach me about our connection
Without me having to step outside the comforts and security of my mansion
I’ve got em all right by my bed, and yet there’s still this uncertainty in my head
Post dramatic stress, anxiety from the past
Acceptance of all the absurd things that have happened to me
It’s harder than it sounds, cause they’re still alive in there, in my memories, in me
And beneath that, there’s still this centipede,
This unconscious undertow that my will and my thoughts that act as dams, hold no water against
But now I will to build fast, so I can endure in this life, with my sanity, at last
Build and make it last, build fast, build to make it last
I hope in the near future, on similar occasions late into a sleepless night, when I pick up a pen
And let my mind go and just write whatever it is that needs to be outflowed
I hope the topics change, I hope this will be the last
Expression written in fear of my chaotic past
But really, who am I kidding?
I’ll look at myself in the mirror and say
“Matt, you’re standing in front of a tsunami here”
And yet, the towering drama of that terminology is in many ways meaningless
There’s been a tsunami on the horizon since I was 6 years old
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
That’s how I’ve tried to make myself a superman
By dealing with the avalanches that bring down the mountain
By riding with the tsunamis that flood the island
Emotionally and psychologically

“The time has come to prove by deeds
that man will not quake before the pit where fantasy
condemns itself to tortures of its own creation
when he advances to the narrow passageway
about whose mouth infernal flames are blazing.
Approach the brink serenely and accept the risk
of melting into nothingness.” -Faust
Posted in On the spot thoughts